[Malrennan's Fall] Prologue (rewritten)

[esperesa]

Okay well, I'll just leave this here. Here's the reworked version of the first few pages for Malrennan's Fall. I like to think it looks more interesting this way. There is only one real plot difference and it's not all that important, but, you know. Pretties.

The old version looked like this, for those who would like to see it: Page 1, page 2.

- Beta'd by Phoen. Thanks babe. <3



Warning for gore. As in dead people. Again.









* Malnourishment and ascites can cause extreme bloating of the abdominal captivity due to the accumulation of fluids (oedema).

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Comments

[bethssimspage.blogspot.com]

Plot changes do matter! Ok apart from the bloat and baby...yes of course it's gorgeous. I'm wondering why you think it's more interesting. The last shot is beyond belief perfect, and it looks like a womb.

[esperesa]

Beth! Thank you! :D
Oh, the 'interesting' bit: I was frustrating myself into a tizzy over the first version, because I'd written everything in a descriptive way (as in characters just talking about the events instead of them actually *happening*) instead of 'show, don't tell'... if that makes sense. I wanted to slap that out most of all.
Argh, I'm still catching up with Sessions; I feel bad about not being able to understand the dynamics between the characters as well as I'd want to yet. XD